Fear of Failing: Taking the Agony out of Defeat

America built a strong country out of the American Dream, but I think that too many people ultimately discover that achieving the dream is not all that it was thought to be. And along the way to that dream, we’ve all been preoccupied with the fear of failing and of not reaching that dream. Funny, but sometimes when you get there, you discover that it’s not really what you were looking for in the first place.

In part, I think it’s our preoccupation with outcomes. We place so much effort in achieving a particular outcome that we develop a fear of failing. A fear of looking weak, a fear of feeling shame, a fear of looking stupid, a fear of letting others down, a fear of not having what we had longed for, a fear of being humbled. All these fears are .associated with not achieving a desired outcome.

But are the outcomes really what we want in life? Or are they images that are ingrained in us by the media and society? And do they represent what we really want and need in our lives?

Here are some of my thoughts – now that I am retired and able to look back on my life, and turn toward to my future.

1. The uncertainty never goes away. Retirement made me no wiser, no more psychic that I can predict tomorrow. But retirement has given me the freedom to be less obsessed by the outcome. Oh, I still have many goals, but somehow it doesn’t really matter what the outcome is. In my case, failure is an option, one possible outcome. But it is no better or worse than victory. It’s just an alternative outcome.

2. The real value in life is the pursuit of a goal, not the goal itself. Everyone says that’s it’s how you play the game and not whether you win or lose. Usually, they don’t really mean it though. But there’s a lot of truth in that statement. If you can value the journey, then the moments of your life will be full, because most of life is just that – the journey. The outcome is one brief moment out of many. If you can truly enjoy the journey, then the brief outcome is just a fleeting moment in time that you don’t have to be overly preoccupied with.

3. If you can focus on the journey rather than the goal, then your options in life multiply many times over. You will discover many more paths in life than can take you to alternate goals. Sure, it’s confusing at times. But do you really want to live an entire life and discover that you chased the wrong dream?

4. Failure is really cool, if you can relax and take advantage of it. It’s an opportunity to grow stronger, an opportunity to learn something that you didn’t know, an opportunity to re-evaluate your journey, an opportunity to broaden your skills and depth of your character. In my life, I’ve learned and valued failure more than success. Failing and working through failure ultimately lead to the biggest successes in my life. Failure is greatly underrated as one of the most important steps that one has to take to achieve success. Failure just shows you that you are still experiencing the journey and have to go a little further. As you get older in life, having to go a little further is a very precious commodity. I want as much of it as I can get. I don’t really want it to end – I don’t really need a successful outcome – I want a good and long journey. Hell, fill it with failure, but it’s so damn good to be alive and experiencing life.

This sounds strange and contrary to what we are taught by others in life. But it has been my experience in retirement. Once I shed the fear of failing, making huge life decisions in retirement became much easier. In many respects, these have been more earth shaking decisions that all of the big ones that I had to make in my career. And it has opened up whole new ways of living and loving that I ever knew existed.

So what the heck. Things break in life. Pieces are meant to be picked up. Tell her that you love her. Take the step that everyone else is afraid of taking on the job. Make the decision that you’ve been avoiding. The worst that can happen is that you discover that the path that you’ve taken on your journey is the wrong one. Better to discover that sooner than later, isn’t it?

When I retired abroad, there remained many unanswered questions – not only about moving overseas, but also about my own life and its meaning and direction. But once I started on the journey, life embraced me. I suppose I’ll make many mistakes and experience many failures. But, the journey is really a hoot and a blast! It’s good to feel alive again, after many years of being in the straight jacket of life in pursuit of a dream that ultimately proved empty to me.

Just don’t act rashly. Give it some thought. Do some planning. More if you’re older and conservative like me, less so if you’re young. But ultimately, take those chains off your neck and do it. Good luck.

(photo by Nighthawk7)

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